Don’t “quit” smoking like everybody says you should, cause they’re dumb.

Once upon a time I read a story by Yogi Bhajan, founder of Kundalini Yoga (he’s either a spiritual genius tapping into ancient Indian techniques that will heal the world one day and bring it into the Aquarian Age or a cult leader who made up some hoodoo on the flight to the States and sold all of the Western world on it…and Europe probably…either way, definitely a guru….but like a Madmen Guru or a like, Dalai Lama Guru….I dunno).  I do Kundalini Yoga sometimes so I buy into the hoodoo.  Sweet sweet hoodoo.

Anyways, what’s the story?  He wrote, and I paraphrase, that you should pick something that you’re good at…and do it really well…just do that one thing that you are good at as best as you can and things will work out for you.  Then he proceeds to tell a story of an encounter with one of his, um, disciples?  So this guy tells Yogi Bhajan that he is completely useless and all he can do is sleep, so the Yogi says something like, “I want you to go and sleep.  Be the best sleeper you can be, have the finest naps known to man, sleep like you have never slept before.”   So the guy goes back home and sleeps a lot and has this dream that he has a rich lonely uncle or something, goes to visit the guy and gets rich through the inheritance.  All he had to do was sleep.  Great story.  Do what you do best for success, right?

The moral of the story for me kinda hit me a few days ago when I “quit” smoking for the 5 millionth time and remembered the words of a kind friend, “Yeah, don’t you quit smoking every day?” and I was like, shit, I do!  That’s what I’m good at, that’s the thing I do more than anything else.  I’ve probably quit smoking over 100 times at least if not more.  The shortest I’ve quit is around 15 minutes (the walk to the nearest cigarette dealer in these parts) and the longest is about 2 years….and everything possible in between.  Every pack I’m like, this is my last one, oh I’ll just really enjoy this one and then that’ll be that.  I’m hardcore, I have the power within me to stop, I have control of my destiny……NOT……try again next pack.

So I actually did stop smoking a few days back….like, Monday, sort of….I waited for a few days before I started writing on the interweb because I thought, I should probably make sure I last for days and not like, minutes or seconds before becoming a blogging genius of epic-ness and sunshine.  Then I thought, well, perhaps I should tell the true story because I feel like there’s this bullshit culture around “quitting” things and following 12 step plans and government enforced procedures.  Plus non-smokers who are totally clueless with their morals and epiphanies about how people who smoke just aren’t “strong enough” or “willing to quit”.  Those people can suck it.  This is for real smokers and real “not smoking anymore” smokers who probably don’t actually define themselves as smokers.

Once I realized that this was my ability, to quit smoking again and again forever, I made up a really stupid plan for quitting smoking that didn’t really follow the rules (or maybe it did).  I don’t believe that people who are not interested in quitting smoking should quit….I think they should smoke their asses off and so long as they’re not killing anyone else, they should not apologize for anything.  Lots of tobacco farmers need to sell tobacco to support their families, so support the farmers!

My Prime Minister….the one I voted for….is going to legalize marijuana in the near future and spread tar into the lungs of many Canadians (not all…but many) so c’mon now, stop the shaming. Right now you’re like, “Health care system, sob story, overwhelmed, cancer and death,”  but in a couple of months you’ll be at your friend’s cabin and sneak a puff off that joint without considering the exponential impact of this behavior multiplied by millions of Canadians.  You are death, just like me.  Slow death.

So I thought, I actually wanted to stop smoking, but wow, I could not do it the way everybody told me to do it.  Then I thought, it would be fun to write it out as it happens because that would be therapeutic and reflective.  Theeeeeen I thought, maybe one person would find what I wrote and would either laugh, or get upset or maybe….just maybe….be able to relate and so here we go.

Tomorrow, or some other day after that, I’m going to write out everything I’ve tried and how I failed at every single type of treatment.  And if somebody (non-smoker, never tried it) says you should just “quit smoking” right now because if *insert whatever they think of here* tell them to get lost because they don’t get it and they’re dumb.  Unless they’re your kids, then saying that is child abuse so just don’t say anything, or like, say “Yes beautiful and immaculate fruit of my loins, I appreciate that you care for my life.”


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